“I want to have everything figured out before going into a committed relationship.” That’s a sentence I heard last week, and due to my research in exactly that field, I would love to clear the air on how relationships actually block this development or enhance it for the better. It is the decisions we take in the present that shape our future self. This is an ongoing process that will hopefully never be completed (“Thats just the way I am”) but will be continuously formed by the decisions we make.
For many people, the late twenties and early thirties are expected to feel like a time of freedom. I noticed a growing number of people around me formed by persistent uncertainty about the choices around them. From the topic in university to the decision of starting a career or settling down as a family.
Psychological research describes this experience as identity distress, a state of prolonged difficulty integrating goals, values, and roles. Studies suggest that between 25 and 35 percent of young adults experience clinically relevant levels of identity-related distress during this life phase (Berman et al., 2004; Seiffge-Krenke, 2024). This phenomenon is often referred to as the quarterlife crisis. Emerging adulthood (roughly ages 18–35) is characterised by heightened exploration: educational paths, career options, lifestyles, and relationships are tried, revised, and sometimes abandoned (Arnett, 2014). While exploration is developmentally normal, it becomes psychologically costly when it fails to lead to commitment.
Research shows that identity distress is strongly linked to repetitive thinking about choices and possible futures (Luyckx et al., 2008). Instead of clarifying direction, it prolongs uncertainty, increases emotional strain, and blocks decision-making. The term for this is rumination.
From a self-regulation perspective, chronic rumination disrupts access to one’s internal preferences and values, making it harder to commit to choices that feel personally meaningful (Kuhl, 2000; Baumann & Kuhl, 2005). As a result, individuals may feel “stuck” despite having many options. Relationships, when done right, can be helpful for the process. Empirical studies show that relationship quality, stability, and perceived relational security are associated with identity clarity and psychological well-being (Schwartz et al., 2013). However, relationships can also become sources of pressure when they are embedded in normative expectations:
Should we move in together? Get married? Have children? Decide now? Research suggests that such normative relationship expectations can intensify identity distress when they conflict with an individual’s internal readiness or values (Schulenberg & Schoon, 2012). In these cases, relationships do not simply provide emotional support; they also function as mirrors of social norms.Psychologically, this matters because external “shoulds” increase stress and reduce self-regulatory capacity. Under stress, individuals rely more heavily on habitual cognitive patterns such as rumination, which further exacerbates identity uncertainty (Kuhl, 2000). Rather than viewing relationships as either “good” or “bad,” current research suggests a more nuanced role: relational contexts mediate how self-regulatory difficulties translate into identity distress. Importantly, research on identity development also indicates that choice becomes particularly stressful when it is not accompanied by clear internal or external guidance (Schwartz, 2004). Relationships may therefore buffer or intensify identity distress depending on the extent to which they allow psychological space for exploration without coercion (Luyckx et al., 2019). Supporting this view, a meta-analytic review of more than 50 studies showed that large choice sets reduce satisfaction when individuals lack clear preferences (Chernev, Böckenholt, & Goodman, 2015).
Learning to interrupt repetitive overthinking helps restore access to personal values and preferences.
The quarterlife crisis is not a sign of immaturity or weakness. Rather, it reflects the psychological cost of navigating identity formation in a rapidly changing social world. As traditional life scripts lose their binding power, individuals must rely more heavily on internal self-regulation. Research does not suggest that the quarterlife crisis should be “fixed” quickly; instead, it highlights the importance of protective processes such as reducing unproductive rumination, strengthening self-regulation, and cultivating supportive relational contexts. When these processes are in place, the quarterlife crisis need not become a breakdown, but can serve as a turning point toward more self-congruent decisions and sustainable well-being.
Arnett, J. J. (2014). Emerging adulthood: The winding road from the late teens through the twenties (2nd ed.). Oxford University Press.
Kuhl, J. (2000). A functional-design approach to motivation and self-regulation. Psychological Review, 107(3), 477–508.
Kuhl, J. (2001). Motivation und Persönlichkeit: Interaktionen psychischer Systeme. Hogrefe.
Baumann, N., & Kuhl, J. (2005). Self-infiltration. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 487–497.
Baumann, N., & Kuhl, J. (2005). Self-infiltration: Confusing assigned tasks as self-selected in memory. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(4), 487–497.
Berman, S. L., Montgomery, M. J., & Kurtines, W. M. (2004). The development and validation of a measure of identity distress. Identity, 4(1), 1–8.
Kuhl, J. (2000). A functional-design approach to motivation and self-regulation. Psychological Review, 107(3), 477–508.
Luyckx, K., Schwartz, S. J., Berzonsky, M. D., et al. (2008). Capturing ruminative exploration. Journal of Adolescence, 31(6), 845–860.
Luyckx, K., Klimstra, T. A., & Duriez, B. (2019). Identity formation in adulthood. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 118–122.
Schulenberg, J. E., & Schoon, I. (2012). The transition to adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 48(3), 687–702.
Schwartz, S. J., et al. (2013). Identity and relationships. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 42, 166–181.
